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Saturday, 31 October 2009

  • +Dilemma+

    I've just been struck with a very interesting realization. For the last two or three years everytime I started to like a guy when I realized he returned the feelings a switch inside myself would flip itself off. I would just not be able to have the feelings again, some kind of defense mechanism hardwired inside of myself. So, I'd either immediately stop liking them as anything more than a friend or I'd ruthlessly tease them letting it turn for the worse... I won't deny I can be slightly horrible at times. I can do plenty to push people away, and I will succeed without a doubt.

    I'm used to doing things like that, but in the scenario I'm in right now... well, it's not like that. Perhaps I should explain the situation. I like a guy friend quite a lot, he's handsome, kind, funny, sweet, etc. He either has a girlfriend or will go back to her after their break, it's kind of fuzzy. They just can't be together now cause of distance... The problem isn't that I like him, I got myself to move passed that and just enjoy talking to him and hangin' out with him. Because he's fun to chat with and he's one of the few people I can confide in about work stuff, because he isn't brainwashed. No problem, right? I thought it was a pretty sweet setup. I mean he's really an awesome person, and everything.

    Until he decided to put a move on me. Long story short the night consisted of off and on making out, and him trying to sleep with me. Which I've now decided I'm going to do. I know, I sound like a horrible person. But here's what I don't get, I've never found someone who I'd even think twice about sleeping with before. The sheer fact I haven't tried to push him away amazes me. It also kind of saddens me more, because while he will be mine for a night... he won't really be mine. I'll have my dream guy for a night, and then like a dream he will vanish and be someone else's again. I know that no matter what anyone says my mind is already made up, it's  going to happen.

    My head keeps telling me, "Do it, do it, do it." and my heart merely replies with a, "Whatev. I don't care." It's been so long since I've even been slightly close to letting anyone close to me in any way that my head and heart can't be consciouses because they've forgotten how. I guess what I'm saying is my soul is already set on this, but if that's the case... why is it telling me to do something that could possibly be considered morally wrong? While they're on a 'break' or whatever, I know I won't get anything more out of it than a night of 'fun', and ditchin' the virginity thing. Sure the night with him before was fun, and I don't doubt this will be any less fun... I still can't get the nervousness out of my system, though I think it's more because of the first time factor. I just... don't know why it had to be him that I have my heart set on to be with first. Why couldn't it have been different, someone who wasn't already tied down? That's the thing though, my heart is set on him to do this with. That means it'll happen whether I'm ready or not, because I know myself and when a decision is made... that's it, it's done. I would have prefered it to have been someone who wasn't already taken though... Oh well, not everything works out the way we want it to.

Friday, 11 September 2009

  • + 9/11 +

    So, I was reading the comments on Paul Partisan's 9/11 entry and was surprised at the violent hate comments back and forth. Call me crazy, but that's not really what 9/11 is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be about taking some time to thank the people who lost their lives trying to save others, mourn lost loved ones, etc. It's supposed to be a day to bring people together and forget their differences.

    I understand that not everyone loves the United States, and that's fine. But to say that we deserved to be attacked is crazy, last I had checked we were minding our own business, we were the ones attacked for our differing views and beliefs of a country thousands of miles away from us. No one deserves to die in a fiery blaze, or in the collapse of a building, or a crashing of a plane. No one deserves to be murdered, for no reason.

    One of the things I found most interesting was the fact that someone claimed that the Flag an the Pledge of Allegience is unconsitutional, which always makes me laugh. It's not unconstitutional in any way, shape, or form. Its shows the union of our states and how we make up a whole, and work together. Whether anyone likes it or not, the United States was founded by a group of Christians, oh no. There's no reason to tear down what the founding fathers built and worked so hard for just because a few people believe it's unfair to have to say the word God when saying a pledge. No one forces you to say it, we ask you stand, and shut your trap. That is all. To get rid of such would be tearing down our history, we aren't going to change our past for new immigrants, because they want to change us to like the country they left. If you want a place where you can say what you want and that's like your old country... go back and start your own revolution. Change your own place to fit your needs, don't come here and tear us down and claim we're unconstitutional because we won't change something that's lasted over 200 years for someone who's been here a couple.

    The work you're trying to destroy came from the same people who created the Constitution. Separation of Church and State does exist, however, the christian religion is still very much integrated in our culture because that's how our country came about, go figure.

    Does that make me religious? No, not necessarily. It makes me appreciative of my country, what the founding fathers worked so hard to achieve that they believed in so much. There's no reason to tear down their work, they fought to give us the rights we have, to give you the right to bitch and moan about how 'hard' your life is.

    And know, the rest of us who are patriots, want you gone, but we're being respectful of our founding father's by not kicking you out.

    God Bless.

Thursday, 20 August 2009

  • +Changes on the Horizon+

    Once again I'm back in my college town, awaiting the beginning of classes and to get back into the groove of walking everywhere and getting my burn calisouses back. Work has already restarted so I can actually make some money again, just in time to pay for rent, cable/internet, food, and any other expenses necessary to live and do well in my college classes.

    Don't get me wrong I love that I'm going down this path. This is where I'm supposed to be, this is where I'm meant to be. I love my college job, the classes are enjoyable enough that I don't mind it taking up my entire life. I'm eagerly awaiting completing the next three years of college and becoming a certified english teacher. I like the town I live, but my paranoia is starting to get in my way. Besides that, there's also my compulsiveness, my slight OCD, and the fact I get easily overwhelmed and frustrated.

    As I sit in my newly refurbished room I can't help but think I may have overdone things a bit. I have quite a bit of things that are farily sentimental to me and I have them here because it's nice to be reminded of the people who I don't get to see on a daily -- or even yearly basis -- but also I'm slightly worried that since I don't live on campus anymore it might not be as safe. I don't know how many break-ins happen in this town. Granted, it's a pretty small town, but it's definitely a college town. Half the population disappears during the summer. We're all poor college students, I think it's just my paranoia talking. But it's not like I have super cheap things lying around, either. I have a couple hundred dvds, box sets of my more favored tv shows, my desktop and laptop, various nic-knacks that make me happy, piles of books, etc. Some things that just -can't- be replaced from either being too old to ever track down again, or just because it's a one-of-a-kind item...It's probably awfully materialistic of me.

    However, I've worked hard for almost all of the things I have, most of the stuff in here was bought with my own money, except the various gifts from family members. And it's not like these are my only concerns, I'm also slightly fearful that for whatever reason I'm going to punk out or get stressed and lose it and quit college. I just... sometimes during last semester and the semester before I felt so overwhelmed with everything and everyone I was going crazy. I just want to do well and get college over with, everyone says it's supposed to be our time to party and have fun. But I'm finding the opposite is true, I usually end up working and writing papers all the time, I work harder now than ever. I go to college full-time and work over part-time but not quite full-time.

    Besides that, whether I want to admit it or not there are times I feel quite alone, even when surrounded by friends or coworkers. There are times I just want to be with my family or go home to feel not so alone, but I generally can't. I know it sounds lame, and very much like a child, but there are times I just really miss my parents and older brother.

    I'm also rather skeptical about the future, I don't know where I want to live once I graduate. I like the place I live now, but I don't think I'd want to teach here. I know I want to do my student teaching in my hometown in the high school I graduated at, but I don't think I want to live there permanently, either. I just don't know where the wind will take me, and I think that scares me the most. I want to be a teacher, I want to help other kids want to learn, I want to open their eyes and make them think, I want to make a difference, I want that to happen soon. But at the same time, I'm petrified for that moment to come into existence.

    I just hope that someday I won't have so many doubts and be so skeptical and paranoid. I hope one day I won't find it so hard to trust people, and I hope one day I'll live up to the expectation that I have for myself.

    All in all, I think I'm just having your typical doubts and paranoia of being not quite a full-blown adult and not a kid anymore.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

  • +I'm Human, What Can I Say?+

    I find that being home from college has gotten me to see things from, yet another, new perspective. I hadn't minded my brother's girlfriend at first, let's call her Leslie, shall we? She was nice enough, friendly, and didn't pretend I didn't exist like all but one of his previous girlfriends had. She was pretty enough, if a little lacking in the intelligence region, but he seemed happy so I was glad for him. Thinking about the past couple of years I'd been glad that he found someone who seemed to be good for him.

    Now that I am home, and as I came home for an occasional weekend, I was finding things weren't so pleasant in the picture I had painted in my imagination for them. She'd pick fights with him and complain, about nothing. I'd hear them yelling at each on the phone, and her acting ungrateful. My brother struggles to do what he does. He works his butt off just to get by, and she's got to know that, I figured. Maybe they're just having an off day, I told myself.

    However, since I've been home she's gotten to be more wicked, spiteful, and ungrateful than I had ever known. I'm finding that girls are expecting way too much out of their guys in general, something I've noted while listening to my friends, as girlfriends. Leslie is being completely ridiculous as of late. She's becoming pro at stalking my brother, she calls the house all the time, when she never used to. She's calling our parent's works looking for him, and hanging up the phone lying it's a wrong number when she doesn't get him. She's demanding more time of him, when he doesn't have very much free time as it is.

    I remember coming home for a weekend just hoping to see my big brother, expecting nothing more than playing Mario 64 or Smash Brothers on the N64 with him because I missed him, and because my mom was saying he'd said he missed me. So, I'd find a way home to see him, and right when we were about ready to play some video games like the old days, she'd call and mess it up. She'd be yelling at him about how he doesn't spend enough money on her, and he'd get in a bad mood and he'd have to leave to go talk to her. Leaving me alone, and having only seen my brother for a total of five minutes, four spent listening to him fighting on the phone. And then I'd have to leave after a disappointed weekend of being bored and alone because everyone had to leave for work.

    That's when I first started to become neutral about Leslie. I mentioned it in passing to my coworkers, who've now become very close friends. One of them claiming he'd tell a girl to take a hike if she ever said he didn't spend enough money on her. Which I couldn't blame him, I agreed. And I was sad because all I wanted was a lousy hour of time from my brother, which I still don't get.

    My parents no longer like her at all. She forces every second of time with my brother and away from his family. My dad is getting fed up with my brother choosing to help her out, over helping him. When my dad is the one who gives him a roof, food, and only asks for help with the yard. My parents help us out a lot, they've helped him out a great deal. They're paying for my college, and soon I'll have my own apartment, they won't have to deal with as many expenses from me. Just college stuff, which I'm hoping to one day be able to pay them back, even if they don't want it. The simple fact is, Leslie is being a leech. She's sucking the life out of him...and taking all his time, energy, and money.

    Now, she's worse than ever. She wants to get married to him, yet he never seems happy anymore. I don't want them to get married, she's destroying everything I once loved about my big brother. He's always angry and rude, he's never happy, he breakdowns to our mother crying. He doesn't have money to afford a wife, kids, a wedding ring, an engagement ring, a house... He can't afford any of that. He shouldn't be forced to.

    I want my brother to break up with her, she destroying all that is my brother. But I don't know if I have the right to want this. Am I wrong? Are my parents wrong in wanting him to break up with her? Are we wrong for wanting to see him be happy again?

Thursday, 28 May 2009

  • +What Attracts You+

    This is more or less inspired by a message I got from a guy on another website, Tagged. First of all, I have no idea if tagged is supposed to be a dating site, but it sure as heck seems like it. However, when I originally signed up in 2004, it wasn't that at all. I only made an account because all my friends wanted me to, and I had only gone on it maybe five times. Something or other brought me back to it, and I can't exactly remember what. But I just keep finding guys who are hitting on me and know nothing about me. I don't even have my real name posted under it, and yet they try to win me over, which is more than a little laughable. But now I'm getting too much into a different subject all together, this is supposed to be about something I've come to realize about myself.

    I am single, but mostly out of choice. However, almost everyone I know are so miserable about being single, they try so hard not to be. I think that's why it's so hard, for so many people. I am single, and more often than not I do enjoy it. I know I don't need a guy to be happy, but it's more than that.

    Between my classes and work I don't have a lot of time and I don't think it's fair to ask a guy to be that patient with me. This year has quite literally been insane, when I wasn't in my classes or doing projects for my classes I was working, I had no free time whatsoever.

    So, now we have two things. I am happy with being single, and I have no free time. So, where would a guy fit in to any of these situations to begin with? Well, wait, there's more to me than just that.  

    I find that recently I have some issues, I noticed myself liking guys, but then all of a sudden out of the blue I didn't. Something inside me would be like, 'No, not right for you. Stop liking them, now.' and I would. I can't help but think I'm a bit of a mindfuck, and I don't know how or why. Almost like something in me just clicks off as a defense mechanism, I just push the guys away who I know like me, even if I do care for them back. I just can't get passed that to give a guy a real chance anyway, I can name about three guys who I've liked at some point, all of them are close friends now, and I'm happy with them as friends instead of dating prospects. I don't know if it's the whole friend crush, where you like them as people and so it feels like you actually like them in a more than friend-esque manner...when in reality that's all it is you feel a kinship with them and love them as a friend.

    I just feel like such a jerk because in my mind I wasn't leading them on, but I can't help but think in a way I may have. I'd start out being nice to them and then *bam* all of a sudden I'd tease the heck out of them, and be sometimes a little rude. I could feel myself starting to do it, but I don't know why I did it. I guess to push them away, so I'd pull them close and then throw them away. But I'm not sure what caused it, or what it accomplished.

    I feel bad for being a jerk (though none of them seem to have thought I was being a jerk) but I don't regret what I did, because I don't necessarily want a relationship, I haven't found a guy I want to have a relationship with yet.

King_of_Fools

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    • Name: King_of_Fools
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    • Member Since: 1/5/2009

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  • I'm a typical Aries, fiery and fierce. Strong and mostly confident, intelligent and witty. I don't conform to what society tells me I should be, and I'm working to become an english teacher. I'm in my second year of college.

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