Once again I'm back in my college town, awaiting the beginning of classes and to get back into the groove of walking everywhere and getting my burn calisouses back. Work has already restarted so I can actually make some money again, just in time to pay for rent, cable/internet, food, and any other expenses necessary to live and do well in my college classes.
Don't get me wrong I love that I'm going down this path. This is where I'm supposed to be, this is where I'm meant to be. I love my college job, the classes are enjoyable enough that I don't mind it taking up my entire life. I'm eagerly awaiting completing the next three years of college and becoming a certified english teacher. I like the town I live, but my paranoia is starting to get in my way. Besides that, there's also my compulsiveness, my slight OCD, and the fact I get easily overwhelmed and frustrated.
As I sit in my newly refurbished room I can't help but think I may have overdone things a bit. I have quite a bit of things that are farily sentimental to me and I have them here because it's nice to be reminded of the people who I don't get to see on a daily -- or even yearly basis -- but also I'm slightly worried that since I don't live on campus anymore it might not be as safe. I don't know how many break-ins happen in this town. Granted, it's a pretty small town, but it's definitely a college town. Half the population disappears during the summer. We're all poor college students, I think it's just my paranoia talking. But it's not like I have super cheap things lying around, either. I have a couple hundred dvds, box sets of my more favored tv shows, my desktop and laptop, various nic-knacks that make me happy, piles of books, etc. Some things that just -can't- be replaced from either being too old to ever track down again, or just because it's a one-of-a-kind item...It's probably awfully materialistic of me.
However, I've worked hard for almost all of the things I have, most of the stuff in here was bought with my own money, except the various gifts from family members. And it's not like these are my only concerns, I'm also slightly fearful that for whatever reason I'm going to punk out or get stressed and lose it and quit college. I just... sometimes during last semester and the semester before I felt so overwhelmed with everything and everyone I was going crazy. I just want to do well and get college over with, everyone says it's supposed to be our time to party and have fun. But I'm finding the opposite is true, I usually end up working and writing papers all the time, I work harder now than ever. I go to college full-time and work over part-time but not quite full-time.
Besides that, whether I want to admit it or not there are times I feel quite alone, even when surrounded by friends or coworkers. There are times I just want to be with my family or go home to feel not so alone, but I generally can't. I know it sounds lame, and very much like a child, but there are times I just really miss my parents and older brother.
I'm also rather skeptical about the future, I don't know where I want to live once I graduate. I like the place I live now, but I don't think I'd want to teach here. I know I want to do my student teaching in my hometown in the high school I graduated at, but I don't think I want to live there permanently, either. I just don't know where the wind will take me, and I think that scares me the most. I want to be a teacher, I want to help other kids want to learn, I want to open their eyes and make them think, I want to make a difference, I want that to happen soon. But at the same time, I'm petrified for that moment to come into existence.
I just hope that someday I won't have so many doubts and be so skeptical and paranoid. I hope one day I won't find it so hard to trust people, and I hope one day I'll live up to the expectation that I have for myself.
All in all, I think I'm just having your typical doubts and paranoia of being not quite a full-blown adult and not a kid anymore.
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