Saturday, 31 October 2009
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+Dilemma+
I've just been struck with a very interesting realization. For the last two or three years everytime I started to like a guy when I realized he returned the feelings a switch inside myself would flip itself off. I would just not be able to have the feelings again, some kind of defense mechanism hardwired inside of myself. So, I'd either immediately stop liking them as anything more than a friend or I'd ruthlessly tease them letting it turn for the worse... I won't deny I can be slightly horrible at times. I can do plenty to push people away, and I will succeed without a doubt.
I'm used to doing things like that, but in the scenario I'm in right now... well, it's not like that. Perhaps I should explain the situation. I like a guy friend quite a lot, he's handsome, kind, funny, sweet, etc. He either has a girlfriend or will go back to her after their break, it's kind of fuzzy. They just can't be together now cause of distance... The problem isn't that I like him, I got myself to move passed that and just enjoy talking to him and hangin' out with him. Because he's fun to chat with and he's one of the few people I can confide in about work stuff, because he isn't brainwashed. No problem, right? I thought it was a pretty sweet setup. I mean he's really an awesome person, and everything.Until he decided to put a move on me. Long story short the night consisted of off and on making out, and him trying to sleep with me. Which I've now decided I'm going to do. I know, I sound like a horrible person. But here's what I don't get, I've never found someone who I'd even think twice about sleeping with before. The sheer fact I haven't tried to push him away amazes me. It also kind of saddens me more, because while he will be mine for a night... he won't really be mine. I'll have my dream guy for a night, and then like a dream he will vanish and be someone else's again. I know that no matter what anyone says my mind is already made up, it's going to happen.
My head keeps telling me, "Do it, do it, do it." and my heart merely replies with a, "Whatev. I don't care." It's been so long since I've even been slightly close to letting anyone close to me in any way that my head and heart can't be consciouses because they've forgotten how. I guess what I'm saying is my soul is already set on this, but if that's the case... why is it telling me to do something that could possibly be considered morally wrong? While they're on a 'break' or whatever, I know I won't get anything more out of it than a night of 'fun', and ditchin' the virginity thing. Sure the night with him before was fun, and I don't doubt this will be any less fun... I still can't get the nervousness out of my system, though I think it's more because of the first time factor. I just... don't know why it had to be him that I have my heart set on to be with first. Why couldn't it have been different, someone who wasn't already tied down? That's the thing though, my heart is set on him to do this with. That means it'll happen whether I'm ready or not, because I know myself and when a decision is made... that's it, it's done. I would have prefered it to have been someone who wasn't already taken though... Oh well, not everything works out the way we want it to.
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Comments (2)
Hey, looking at the date of this post I'd say it's a bit late for a response but I'm kinda curious about how it turned out for you.
First of all, you're not a horrible person :# You're just confused, so you decide to throw yourself into life, right?
Don't lose your mind girl, it's all about what you want. Feelings can be triggered by many circumstances #including intentional ones by other people regardless of your own knowledge). They are not always true for your goals and sometimes can be unfortunately delusive.
You gotta put your feelings aside and ask yourself logically what do you really want and what kind of person do you really want to be, what is important to you.
This guy's relationship with his girlfriend is not your business, except for how it can affect you or more importantly what does it say about his real character. Remember that people are not always what they appear to be, and some can intentionally charm you or seduce you, sometimes so good that you won't have the slightest idea before it's too late. It's very important to pay attention to their real characteristics and not excusing their behavior. How does he act and what does it mean?
This guy's relationship with his girlfriend is his own responsibility and judging by that he's willing to cheat on her, regardless of her personality makes him look as an irresponsible person at least. Is this the kind of person you want in your life?
Ask yourself a few more questions:
What kind of relationships are you interested in? Serious ones? One night stands? Perhaps Both? How does it matter to you?
Would you like to involve yourself with someone who is already involved with someone else? What difference what it can make, for either one night stand or serious relationships?
Judging by you still being a virgin I'd say you're a serious woman who wants a serious relationship who got too much attracted to a certain guy. Believe me regardless of who he is, he is not the "only one" and it's the absolute truth. If you really like him and he just wants to have sex with you, you just gotta be strong enough to overlook him and proudly move on.
Okay, well I did sleep with him and I honestly have no regrets on that front. He was good about it, patient when I felt ridiculous, not condescending, and just made it pretty pressure-free and made sure I knew he'd stop the second I asked him to. He remained the gentleman I know him to be...
As for what I want, can't really have that. But I can still have him as a friend, which will have to be good enough. Here's the crazy thing, though. Ever since we'd been together he's acted very lovey and coupley around me. Which still baffles me left and right. Everytime I walk by or see him he's hugging me and holding me close as long as he can, puts an arm around me, or does something to make some kind of physical contact, even in front of everyone at work. He goes out of his way to sit next to me, and even then his knee or his elbow always has to be touching mine. He's been doing this for over a month. However, everytime I try to get alone with him to ask him what the heck it all means, something comes up and he can't make it, or something comes up on my end and I can't make it.
It's not really fair of me to make it sound like it's all him, in the sense his gf also has slept with people, they had clearly agreed they could be with other people until they were together again. I still can't get my head around that because I wouldn't want to do that... but to each their own.
As for his actions and character, even still he's done nothing to make me feel he isn't worth it. He's still the same around me he always has been. I think that's what makes it harder, he never has been a jerk, he's still the same he always was. The same person that has the ability to make me fall for him if he tries hard enough.
I know he's not the only one. But this is the truth right now, he's the only one I'm even remotely attracted to. It's hard for me to find someone to be attracted to, and that's probably because I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm busy with classes and work, the problem is when I'm actively not looking people like this amazing guy comes along and gets my attention without trying and without me even realizing he has my attention until it's too late. Funny how that works.
In any case, there's only a week until semester is over and his gf is coming back. So, too late. Time's up. And I'll get over it because I'm entirely resilient.